I have been feeling restless for a while now. I haven't been sure why or even what I want. I think I figured some of it out finally....
Our lives are full of lots of milestones.
In mine own, some of the first ones I remember are finally getting to go to Kindergarten, getting baptized, and moving to Layton.
Then each year of school is an accomplishment.
I remember junior high and young women's.
Oh, and high school, TURNING 16 (one of the biggest days of my life), driving and dating.
And there was high school graduation and working to support myself.
Then college in Logan. I had always planned on college.
THEN I got married and graduated from college.
And I taught junior high math.
Then we moved to Salt Lake and had our first child.
We bought our home.
And we had our second child.
I remember someone asking in Relief Society (at about this point in my life) if anyone's life had gone according to plan. I don't remember if I raised my hand or not, but I do remember thinking that mine had, more or less. I had done everything I'd planned up to that point. In fact, in eigth grade I wrote a autobiography which included my predictions for my future. It is weird how accurate I was.
So anyways, then we started trying to have our third child- which took a bit longer than we hoped, but eventually we got her. (Note - yes, I sometimes have a hard time with the spacing of my children, but everything works out like it's supposed to - right?)
And then....
...
Up to this point in my life I have had a map in my mind. I've had mileposts along the way, marking the passing of time and telling me when I had arrived at the next destination.
The problem is that I'm not sure what the next one is. Where to now? We are not planning on having more children (which might seem to some like the natural progression with Sarah being 2 1/2). So other than the kids just growing up (and reaching their own milestones), I'm not sure what is ahead for me.
I've been itching for a change of some kind and I think that's why.
Now, don't get me wrong (I am knocking on wood as I write this post), I am VERY GRATEFUL for the blessings in my life and do not wish to lose any of them.
I just wonder what God has in store for me.
Have any of you dealt with a stage like this in your life?
Update:
A good point was mentioned in the comments that I had thought about. What about just enjoying watching our kids reach their milestones?
It's true that I find much joy in their accomplishments and plan to do much of my living vicariously through my children. However, I chose a purely selfish perspective for this post. It's a view that has become apparent to me only recently as I've thought about my life beyond the child-bearing years. Simply (and somewhat vainly) stated, what happens now with ME directly?
5 comments:
Right now my milestone is to get a nap every day! No seriously, my milestones have to do with my kids. Some day I will have my own again such as build up my business or travel the world. Right now I am happy to dwell in my childrens successess.
I remember one time in my life when I felt I was in such a stage {although I had NOT ticked off my list previously as you had--my life has always seemed to be a big jumble of the unanticipated} I was nearing thirty and still wasn't married.
I'm sure the path to the next step is different for everyone; I can only tell you what I did...
I looked at my life and assessed what I felt I was lacking. And, I looked back at my life to try to determine why I felt less complete despite the similarity of circumstances.
I decided that I needed to offer some community service. {I know, we all serve LOTS every day, but earlier in life I had devoted time to step outside of my ordinary love-thy-neighbor service to serve in the community.} As I was sitting in sacrament at my nephew's baby blessing, I found my opportunity: the I Can Read program at a local elementary school.
It's funny how that one moment changed the path I was on and essentially my entire life.
I felt inspired and driven when I walked down the hall of the elementary school. There was purpose in what I saw and heard. There was progress. Two things I felt I was lacking.
It wasn't an immediate change, but it provoked a lot of small changes that eventually remapped my life: I got out of a relationship that was headed no where, I went back to school to pursue a radically different career, I expanded the ideas of my current career, I stepped up and accepted a new place in my singles ward {which previously had felt hopeless}.
I have not felt an ounce of that lack-of-progress-or-direction since that time. Quite the opposite, in fact. I almost covet the boredom and depression of those days. :)
I truly believe that the Lord answers prayers. And, I believe that He answers prayers in ways that the pray-er can understand. I don't know what it is you are seeking, but I know that He does. And I know that He loves you. I believe that He values you and wants you to FEEL important to Him and to FEEL like you have purpose and are progressing beyond just the progress of your children. I believe this because of the way He has manifested that love to me, personally, and because He has given me several witnesses that the way He feels about me He feels about all of His children--women in particular.
Hang in there. I love you. You are an amazing person. I know you will find what you are looking for.
{Excellent post. If I ever get around to blogging again I'd like to do a similar one of my own life.}
I have thought more about this. What about the pleasure you find in running? I was watching something today and they were talking about triathalons and how rewarding they were personally.
When you have small children at home and never seem to get a break it is hard. I find pleasure in my work. I think that is why I have never given it up. I am really fortunate that I can do it from home and it takes very little time away from family. You are so creative and maybe you could find something to satisfy your need that way.
Summer (even though it feels like spring) is a hard time to find anytime for yourself. If it helps, Amanda would love to play with Sarah for a few hours and she is always welcome over here.
Hang in there friend!
Malisa,
My neighbor and I have been talking a lot about this lately, as her youngest will be in 1st grade this year and my youngest is starting Kindergarten.
She calls it the "mid-mom crisis". Moving on to the second stage of motherhood. No more having babies or diapers to worry about, but older kids. I know that I always planned on going back to work when my kids were in school, but now...I'm not sure that that is the best idea. But, I go back and forth daily about what's next for me. I'm still not sure, but I've decided that like everything else, I'm going to enjoy the journey. Whether I volunteer more at school, or read a book a day, or work out so much that I am "supermodel" thin (I know that last one is a laugh). I just figure there is no rush. That is the best thing about life, is that we don't have to decide today, or even tomorrow. Sometimes the milestones, are just small pebbles, but it doesn't mean that they aren't still there.
Good Luck! I really think that this next stage of life is a challenging one. (who woulda thought? I'd have figured raising babies would have been the hard part). But there are lots of us going through it, and we are all just trying to navigate new terrain. I'm sure we can all help each other out.
Hey Malisa--I'm reading back through my comment and I wanted to be sure that you didn't think I was trying to tell YOU that you need to volunteer in the community. You already do SO MUCH of that!! I simply wanted to share my story so you could understand how I came to the inspiration that I received. Who knows how or when yours will come. My point was supposed to be that I know you'll find it and I believe it will be in a way that makes sense to you. You're great!!! Thanks for always sharing such thought provoking posts.
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