10 Years Ago

10 years ago today, I had my first child.

10 years ago today, my life changed forever.

Happy birthday to a fantastic 10-year-old. We love you so much.

Isaac's teacher, Ms. Brakke (aka - the Origami Lady)

(It seems that I took no pictures today. Hmm. These last two are from his party last Friday, which was, after all, his actual duedate - which so counts.)

Unsettled

(Here's another post of me blubbering on about my unorganized and somewhat discouraged state of mind. I have no expectations that anyone read this. In fact, it might be better if no one did. Anyway, I write stuff down to try to make sense of it all and to feel like I've accomplished something by putting up a blog post.)


I'm over-committed, under-slept, and going crazy in my head. Did you know that if you don't sleep enough, you think a lot differently than you would normally? LITTLE THINGS can bother you to no end.

Did you also know that I can't focus. Did you hear that? I. CAN'T. FOCUS.

I'm spinning my wheels in accomplishing anything. I'm having anxiety about every little thing I have to do this week. Daniel looks at me with sympathy, but not with understanding. He was standing next to me while I was loading the dishwasher tonight when I stopped and said "I don't want to do this!" and then went and cried on the couch. That would be hard to understand, I guess.

The problem is actually not how much I have to do, but ME.

I have SO MUCH GUILT, which is incapacitating, over everything it seems. Anything church related right now is loaded with guilt for me. Mainly guilt of omission. I went to the Relief Society meeting last night, which was good, but it reminded me of my lack of visiting teaching efforts lately. Guilt. I stayed up way too late the last two nights and didn't make it to church on time. Guilt. I was not an awesome primary/nursery person today. I did NOT want to deal with those beautiful (but CRYING) children up in nursery. Guilt. I do NOT feel like praying right now. Guilt. I am feeling under-motivated about church ball. Guilt. The list goes on.

Now I have guilt for complaining about anything church related. I'll make the text littler so that some of you might miss that part. Sigh.

School is also an area of stress/guilt for me. I have more wrap-up to do on the carnival and I don't want to do it. I cannot wait for the two days off of school this weekend.

Other areas of major guilt include: house cleaning/organizing, time spent with children, MEMORY KEEPING (or lack there-of), relationships with friends/family, ...

One of the main things that has been eating away at me this week is the incredible coincidence that two of my very best friends in my life moved this week. They have very different stories that brought them to their respective moves, but they ended up closing on their houses the SAME DAY. This may not seem odd to you unless you really know them/me, but I can honestly say it has shaken me up.

Also, I try to pretend that Daniel's increased working is not that big of a deal. It IS a big deal, but I just have to try to ignore it. There's nothing to be done about it right now. There just isn't.

I don't know how to let go of the guilt. I have so many thoughts in my head that nothing is making sense to me right now. I'm frustrated more than usual. I feel a need for something new in my life. I'm a little jealous about my friends having a new adventure. I live a seriously blessed life. Why exactly do I have these problems?

Oh, I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow. I put off finding someone to watch Sarah. Imagine that.

As a side note, (but really isn't this all a side-note?) I have a lot of great pictures from the recent past. This helps me to feel guilt about not posting/scrapbooking/doing whatever the heck I'm supposed to do with them. So, I'll put two here. Daniel actually took them. That's my girl.

GNO Tomorrow

I just posted about what we're doing tomorrow night for GNO. You might want to read it if you like CHOCOLATE. Come and join us - the more the merrier.

Caffiene. It's a Drug.

My energy has been low the past few days. This morning I dragged. I pulled through and got the main level of the house decently clean for Isaac's party, but after it was all said and done I was TIRED. I thought it would be nice to feel some energy for once so I actually went to the gas station and bought myself a 32 oz Pepsi (as a reward for surviving the day without even raising my voice).

I'm not a big soda drinker. Now, it's 12:30am and I feel like I could stay up much later - as opposed to every other night this week that I've crashed. Caffiene is very effective if you don't consume it very often. Makes you realize just how potent the stuff really is.

I have lots of posts I'd like to do, plenty to catch up on on-line, and fantastic books to read, but I'm going to go force myself to go to sleep or I'll regret it in the morning.


P.S. My doctor's appointment is on Monday. Hopefully there is some type of answer to this stupid fatigue! (I predict that I will be told to take more iron and feed myself with frequent small healthy meals. If only that were easy for me!)

Doing it Justice

What Should Weed Do?

I don't mind weeding too much if the weather is nice and there's not to much to do. My kids, however, HATE it. You would think it was pure torture if you heard them moan and groan about it. I usually only make them weed the playground area, since it is their area and the weeds pull out nice and easy. No big deal, right? They have said they'd rather not have to weed than have a playground!!

We haven't been out much this past month and this is what it looks like.

Do you notice how they are all against the fence? Yep. One of our backyard neighbors doesn't have grass - just weeds, for their backyard. There is no stopping the vengeance of those weeds. The weeds in our yard stop right where their fence line stops.

A few years ago the house was vacant, though owned by the same people. The weeds got so tall that Daniel went in their back yard and hacked/sprayed them. They keep them shorter now, but whenever I pull the weeds in our yard, I think about saying something about it.

Should I?

Today

If you think this post is choppy or odd, just imagine what's happening in my head.

Sarah has not been easy. I'm not sure why. It made the morning/afternoon (plus the last few weeks) much harder than it needed to be.

Tons of carnival coordinating going on. My mind turned to mush. I started to near the edge of the craziness cliff.

Isaac had a piano recital. (Seriously - it HAD to be THIS week? Seriously?) Sarah = not good. Getting closer to the edge.

Went to eat with Daniel (who had come to the recital and was going back to work after). Too much kid time. Cannot even pretend to be cheerful, despite wonderful service at Rumbi's.

We buckle up in car, attempt to send Daniel back to work, but I was not functioning. Looking over the edge of cliff. Thinking about jumping.

Daniel changes plans - takes kids home. I cry.

Go grocery (and quick clearance) shopping at SuperTarget conveniently located across the street from eatery. Start stepping away from cliff.

Find good deals. :)

Talk to the Target employee who's ringing up my items. Tell her I'm going crazy. Find out she is single and has three kids too. 1 year, 3 years, and a 7 year old with Cerebral Palsy. She took the job a Target to have some time away. Start putting things in perspective.

Get library problems taken care of that I thought might never be at this point. Breathing again.

Arrive home to find all children in bed. Saved from the fall.

Thank you, thank you, thank you Daniel for saving me today. I love you so much.

A Memory

While I don't have the best memory, there are a few things I will never forget.

As I was just in my bathroom, I saw a very small baby spider crawling across the floor and it reminded me of:

My bedroom in our Layton house. Many nights I would lay awake on my bed watching for spiders on my celing. There were lots of spiders, usually of the white variety and often babies. I would stand on my bed with a bunched up wad of toilet paper squishing them (and leaving them there - hey, I was a teenager). But I'll never forget one night when there was an adult, we'll call her Mom. I got her - but not the 194 thousand babies on her back. Yep. Got to watch them scatter everywhere. Ick. Ick. Eww.

Now, that's a memory you don't forget. I bet it's happened to some of you too.

Borrowing Kerri's Post

Why write your own stuff when someone said it pretty darn well already?

I'd like you all to read a post by my friend Kerri. It's political. It's thought provoking.

Here it is:

http://kerrisgreenhouse.blogspot.com/2009/09/yes-im-going-there.html

Go read it.

Then tell me what you think.

Goodnight Nobody. Goodnight Mush.

During a PTA meeting this morning, my blood sugar dropped yet again. After I begged for some fruit snacks from the president so I could get myself off of the chair and home, I found myself thinking about just how ridiculous this has become. The president did end up getting me some more substantial snacks and buying me a drink, so then I had the opportunity to divulge what's really going on to her and the Principal. Ah yes, it was oddly embarrassing and enlightening at the same time.

I felt so retarded admitting that I hadn't yet gone to see a doctor and that I even struggle with taking my vitamins in the morning. It's gotten so bad that Daniel literally has to put all of my vitamins on the counter WITH A GLASS OF WATER to inspire me enough to take them.

Why am I doing this? Why am I not taking better care of myself?

I think part of it's denial. I think I should be bigger than this. Mind over matter.

I also don't want to admit how much this is taking over my life.

I know I could control much of it with my diet. I don't have the energy to. I don't care much about food if you don't already know.

Also, sometimes I have good days where I feel normal, but it's probably time to confess that I'm not normal. My energy is low. Affecting my life low.

It seems that it's been worse since this spring, but it may just be that I have finally realized that not everyone feels this way.

To clear this up for you, this is what I know:

I have low iron.
I obviously have some problems with my blood sugar.
I get dizzy A LOT.
I do take iron about every other day (when I can manage).
I don't have a great diet. This is more a sin of omission rather than commission.
I have a MAJOR lack of focus, much of the time.

I called my brother this morning to get his recommended Dr.'s info, but had to leave him a message. It's time, I guess, to go get checked out.

So there you have it. I'm struggling. I know what I need to do, but I have a hard time doing it.



Do you get the title?

Well, That Was Easy

So I guess Sarah is nearly potty-trained. It doesn't seem to matter if she's playing, watching TV, outside, or in a diaper. She goes on her own and just told me to go away. She goes both #1 and #2 without problems. She's waking up most mornings dry. She's figured out that by holding the front of her dress in her mouth, she can avoid it falling into the toilet.

Plus, this has all required very little effort on my part. The only hurdle we have yet to tackle in using public and/or other people's potties, but I'm not complaining. Bless the heavens.

(For those of you that don't know, this is NOT the potty-training scenario I had with the boys.)

My Mind is Mush

I had a fairly stressful day yesterday. Actually it was mostly in the morning. Nevertheless, I've been pretty useless since.

I've stared at the wall today more than I would like to admit. I can't seem to recover and accomplish anything.

I'm overly senstive too. I nearly cried when I was talking on the phone to Daniel about where to take the van to get it's oil changed.

Um, yeah. Maybe I shouldn't volunteer to be in charge of school carnivals.



And I almost cried when I just lost my internet connection and had to retype this all.

My New Ride