Unsettled

(Here's another post of me blubbering on about my unorganized and somewhat discouraged state of mind. I have no expectations that anyone read this. In fact, it might be better if no one did. Anyway, I write stuff down to try to make sense of it all and to feel like I've accomplished something by putting up a blog post.)


I'm over-committed, under-slept, and going crazy in my head. Did you know that if you don't sleep enough, you think a lot differently than you would normally? LITTLE THINGS can bother you to no end.

Did you also know that I can't focus. Did you hear that? I. CAN'T. FOCUS.

I'm spinning my wheels in accomplishing anything. I'm having anxiety about every little thing I have to do this week. Daniel looks at me with sympathy, but not with understanding. He was standing next to me while I was loading the dishwasher tonight when I stopped and said "I don't want to do this!" and then went and cried on the couch. That would be hard to understand, I guess.

The problem is actually not how much I have to do, but ME.

I have SO MUCH GUILT, which is incapacitating, over everything it seems. Anything church related right now is loaded with guilt for me. Mainly guilt of omission. I went to the Relief Society meeting last night, which was good, but it reminded me of my lack of visiting teaching efforts lately. Guilt. I stayed up way too late the last two nights and didn't make it to church on time. Guilt. I was not an awesome primary/nursery person today. I did NOT want to deal with those beautiful (but CRYING) children up in nursery. Guilt. I do NOT feel like praying right now. Guilt. I am feeling under-motivated about church ball. Guilt. The list goes on.

Now I have guilt for complaining about anything church related. I'll make the text littler so that some of you might miss that part. Sigh.

School is also an area of stress/guilt for me. I have more wrap-up to do on the carnival and I don't want to do it. I cannot wait for the two days off of school this weekend.

Other areas of major guilt include: house cleaning/organizing, time spent with children, MEMORY KEEPING (or lack there-of), relationships with friends/family, ...

One of the main things that has been eating away at me this week is the incredible coincidence that two of my very best friends in my life moved this week. They have very different stories that brought them to their respective moves, but they ended up closing on their houses the SAME DAY. This may not seem odd to you unless you really know them/me, but I can honestly say it has shaken me up.

Also, I try to pretend that Daniel's increased working is not that big of a deal. It IS a big deal, but I just have to try to ignore it. There's nothing to be done about it right now. There just isn't.

I don't know how to let go of the guilt. I have so many thoughts in my head that nothing is making sense to me right now. I'm frustrated more than usual. I feel a need for something new in my life. I'm a little jealous about my friends having a new adventure. I live a seriously blessed life. Why exactly do I have these problems?

Oh, I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow. I put off finding someone to watch Sarah. Imagine that.

As a side note, (but really isn't this all a side-note?) I have a lot of great pictures from the recent past. This helps me to feel guilt about not posting/scrapbooking/doing whatever the heck I'm supposed to do with them. So, I'll put two here. Daniel actually took them. That's my girl.