Drifting

Not sure if I should post this. I can't figure out what role my blog should play in my life. But sitting at home keeping my thoughts to myself isn't doing me any good. Might as well share them with the world, right?



I've been having a hard time blogging about much of anything. Pictures have been more painful to post since they are mostly still on my old computer and I've cut down one how much time I spend on the computer overall. Then when I do look at other blogs, particularly craft/decor/diy blogs, I think of how (inadequate I am) much time and effort it takes to post like that and so I don't. Things are going on that I could blog about, but I just don't feel like there's any reason to post it. This is much of what's going on in my head. Lack of motivation, ambition, drive, purpose.

I've got lots of theories as to why I've been in this funk...including, but not limited too, lack of sleep, boredom, missing my husband, transitional time of life for me... Tonight it's definitely missing my husband. We're crossing paths a lot these days, at best. He is working such a great amount that I usually can't even go there in my head. Feigning ignorance is often my best tactic.

The kids being a little older has helped me process it some. My sister Leslie's husband has always traveled a lot and I never understood how she managed to stay sane. I realize now that I was seeing it through my young mothering eyes, with days full of diapers and crying. Now things are somewhat easier around here. Still plenty stressful, but easier. The kids are *more* predictable. Mothering is still vital, but not as constant. True be told, it's sad really in many ways (and yet wonderful in others).

I've been floundering spiritually for some time now too. I've had a book of testimonies from the women of my ward sitting on my desk since early December. I had not read any of it. I picked it up tonight and browsed some. One woman quoted a hymn that I helped teach the kids in primary, "How Firm a Foundation":

"Fear not, I am with thee; oh be not dismayed, For I am they God and will still give thee aid. I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand, upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand."

Still?

I sure hope so.

It's amazing that I can be surrounded by a multitude of blessings and yet be lost.