I'm not really sure about putting this post up. I guess it's just one of those things that I might do and then later wish I wasn't so blastedly transparent.
Oh well.
After getting together with other people, I tend to think over everything that happened a bit. I have been known to say many a stupid thing in my time and I usually don't walk away from a gathering without saying at least one dumb thing.
Yesterday, I was around a lot of people. I had a pretty good time, but then I had to go and THINK about it too much. I usually like most people, but I always wonder what people thought of me (especially those that met me for the first time or that are just getting to know me). Was I polite? Did I talk too much? Was I genuinely interested in them? Did I come off too confident or seem false? Did I talk to everyone I should have? Did I act like myself? Was I too bossy (as in one situation last night)? At one point or another, most of these questions and many more go through my head. Is that vain?
Sometimes, when I think the answers to these questions are not great, I just think it might be easier to not interact or get to know people much at all. It's seems better if people just don't know me that well, because then they won't know how imperfect I really am. I know that the glossy look from the outside is just that - the view from the outside.
A while back, I told someone that if I walked into a room of people I didn't know I would automatically think that they didn't like me. Isn't that sad? I know it's not rational, but that's sometimes how it is.
One thing I know I thrive on is verbal feedback. I can't stand the guessing game of what someone else it thinking. Because of this, I have been trying more and more to tell people a lot of the good things that I think - how amazing I think they are, how nice they are, how talented. Stuff like that.
I worry about people holding grudges (that I'm usually oblivious to). I KNOW I have a lot of faults. I wish I didn't. I CAN'T STAND when someone else is bothered by me.
One of my dear friends has told me that she thinks she really came into her own in her 30s. She finally wasn't worried so much about what others thought. I tend to go in phases and do seem a little better now simply because I'm so much more busy - but if age really is the answer for me than I still have 9 years to go until I'm out of my thirties and I finally arrive at self-acceptance.
I know that some people deal with similarish stuff. (My own baggage takes on many forms.) I also know that some people don't. What would it be like to be a truly confident person? I don't know. (Actually, there are some things I am confident about, but obviously not enough of them.)
But if you are confident, does that mean that you don't need to worry what others think at all?
I. don't. know.
P.S. No, I am not wallowing in self-misery or looking for much feedback. It's stuff I think about and I'm trying to overcome. I'm just keeping it real. That's all. Really.
P.P.S. This blogging world just makes life more complicated - good and bad. I say things - put them out there - and then... It's weird. However, since it is MY blog, I don't worry quite as much as in real life. I hope people just don't read it if they don't want to.
P.P.P.S. You know one of the reasons why I usually don't post about what I did or with whom? I don't want anyone to feel bad. I know too well what it feels like to be an outsider.
13 comments:
You are the sweetest person. I always leave feeling better and uplifted. I think yuo are great in all ways, friednship, mother, ect... All of us have faults and its others that need to take things with a grain of salt and realize we are different and love us how we are. I have offendedd many people in my life and also feel very insecure. I stive to be one of those people that everyone loves and gets invited to everything...but unitl that day that I become perfect, love me as I am (please).
I think we all suffer from poor self esteem to some extent. The funny thing, is that to me you seem so confident. you always seem to be sure of what you're doing and, I never would have guessed that you struggle with these feelings.
I have always had the same feelings about walking into a room full of people, and knowing that they don't like me. Like you, I know that it isn't rational, but its just that low self esteem that attacks. Probably because of that, I struggle a lot with putting myself out there. Even with, people who know me, who are my friends(of whom there are only really a few) I still struggle with feeling like I'm not really accepted. I tell my husband all the time, that I'm just their "charity friend".
Oh my, I'm the one sounding like a pity party...Sorry, I just wanted you to know that I think you are an amazing person, and I'm grateful to consider you a friend.
Malisa you would be surprised how many people feel EXACTLY the same way you do. I am always overanalizing every situation and then beating myself up for saying the stupid thing or the wrong thing. I think the majority of people have similar thoughts and we just never realize it. Already you have 3 comments of people who do the same. What it comes down to is people either accept you or they don't no matter what you say or do. If they don't it is their life that isn't better because of it, not yours. You have a beautiful family that loves you and accepts you unconditionally. That is all you really need.
Okay, I wrote mine late and with no contacts in, so excuse my terrible spelling! Again, accept me as I am. Just know you are great!
Ha ha - Julie, I didn't even notice any mispellings! Did I just misspell mispell? There is no spell checker on comments!
Thanks guys for your nice words. We probably are more alike than we realize.
The deleted comment above? - Just me being a dork.
:( A's not going to let me give you a proper response, but know that I love you
Okay, Malisa, I got the hint (first with the guinea pig and then the sitter!) and I hear you need me to babysit your family. Well, if the weather clears up this week, I will be happy to do it. If you are interested send me an email. Talk to you soon!
Malisa, you are one of the sweetest people I know! I hope that you understand how many people just adore you and want to be around you more and more. You are an amazing mother and friend. You are beautiful, talented, and patient.
Don't be hard on yourself. We all feel this way from time to time (sometimes more often than other times...). I love you!
Malisa! I love to read your blog! I remember the first time I met you, what a wonderful person you are! I was recently married -about a year then - and you were so nice to come up to me and talk with me, and comment on my skirt. (I am really not that good at sewing, yet you made me feel important.) You were so generous to invite me over to your home- I loved it! I loved relishing in your talents. You truely know how to "Create" -as Uchtdorf said. You "Created a friendship"- that i'll never forget. Even though we don't see each other- I still am interested in your life- You are a wonderful amazing person! Thank you for creating that friendship that i so needed at that time! It meant ALOT!
Hailey Barton
I know exactly what you mean. I worry about things I say and do long after the fact as well. No worries. I think we are just women. I love you the way you are.
Wow, you provoked a lot of feelings which lead to a great response of feedback. You put so eloquently into words of how I feel (and sounds like a lot of people feel). We either don't know how or are too afraid to express ourselves or are just pretending to be perfect, ha. I love the tribute to your kids. love ya, don't be too perfect so you can still be my friend.
Your great Malisa. I wish I could do some of the things you do. Your being to hard on yourself. We all love you and your personality.
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