I'd just keep watching the clock until it was over - or think about what they had to eat in the kitchen - or wonder why the kids had to bother me so much. Yeah, it wasn't my thing. Let's just say, I wouldn't have hired myself. I didn't even have any younger siblings to take care of.
I think that this motherhood thing might come more naturally to some of us women than others. Now, don't get me wrong, I really do love being a mother, and I have moments of pure awesomeness, but I think for me it takes a little more effort to see all of the joy in the journey. I know it's there, but usually I have to be looking to find it.
I was a great, no, a fantastic mom for 7/8 of today. (See me using my awesome math skills?!) I was prepared. I was kind. I was resourceful. I was patient. I had make-up on. I smiled. For 7/8 of the day.
After the various school activities (ranging from VIP week - meet the family, to yearbook, to Valentine's parties) and a very homegrown birthday party and other birthday pleasantries, I stopped. I stopped and turned off. I didn't do anything wrong, per se, but I was done.
The thing about being a parent though is that there never really is an"off button". Especially when both parents are tired. Things have to be done. Which one is going to keep moving forward? I know how hard Daniel works and so I usually feel guilt (even though it may not seem like it with how many nights I need to be off duty) about needing to take a time out.
Yesterday and today, I've felt like I've been fighting against fatigue. I've been doing things because I've had to. Because I'm a mom - and a decent one at that. But what I really want to be doing is SLEEPING or VEGGING or TALKING TO FRIENDS or...
(oh man, I had to go get this next part from facebook and I got a little distracted. hohum.)
I saw this article on facebook. It's worth the read. It can help remind you of what might be so demanding about this parenthood thing.
One part that resonated with me was: "It's resisting constant temptation to seek short-term relief at everyone's long-term expense." Hello! That is such a huge part of being a parent. What I want now isn't nearly as important as what is best for my family.
It is so hard for me to know where that happy line is between what's best for the family/what's best for mom. It's a line I try to walk everyday.
I have no idea where I was going with this...
Anyway, one thing I have learned from being a mom is that in a lot of ways - kids come like they come. The way you raise them can make a big difference, but some things they were just born with. I think about this with myself. As much as I try to improve on so many things, half of the time I'm just battling with my nature.
Somewhere deep down within me I'm going to have to find the resolve to get to the next level of parenting.
I'm not sure why I wrote this post tonight or even what I was really getting at. What I do know is that I'm tired. And a bit unsettled. And the air is slowly leaking out of my balloon.
Sleep. Sleep would be good.
P.S. Tonight I think I'm going to pray for an unlimited amount of energy. Any chance that'd be granted?
7 comments:
*hug*
Malisa, good post. I so hear you on so much that you're saying. Most of the time our "good enough" is enough. And the times that it's not, we just have to suffer through. You're doing not just a good enough job, you're doing a great job.
You had an incredibly busy day today.(not to mention all of the things that took up the week) I am actually so impressed that you made it through alive!!! I think you deserve a "shut down" time. Don't be hard on yourself. Get some sleep and start again tomorrow!!!!
I just have to dido Stacie. You need a nap!
I totally agree with you Malisa, I feel like there just isn't enough left in me at the end of the day. That article really made it hit home. It is so hard to always be "on". I think that we would all do some good with a nap. :)
I finally had the chance to sit down and read the article. For me, the exhaustion (on every level) comes from being on call every second for every issue in every situation. I think that's why I cherish A's nap time as much as I do. I get really run down when I don't have some down time to myself--that's why I take the time for me and don't consider it selfish. A doctor once told me that a nursing mother has to care for herself or her body won't be able to produce the necessary milk to feed the child...
Just whatever you do don't pray to be humble, ha ha. Very thoughtful post.
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